If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
You Might Also Like
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.