“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Don’t tell me what to do
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB