*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Stop sending me this shit.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground