Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine