Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?