I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
You Might Also Like
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Netflix: We have Less
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him