Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Childbirth is so beautiful
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
OMG 🤣🤣
I was just discussing this with my cat
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.