My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
You Might Also Like
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Help Wanted
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
get you a girl who
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”