ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.