I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.