Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
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[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Twitter fine art
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.