I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I never needed anything more in my life
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Practicing safe sax
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain