idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
2 years later
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave