A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room