Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.