You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.