I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
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Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”