A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Perfect.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.