Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?