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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.