date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
where’s Godzilla when we need him
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.