I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”