People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….