When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.