The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.