Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Sheep
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
this could fix me
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.