With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Your secret is safeish with me
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
life finds a way
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy