I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
good for her
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.