Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
How dramatic are you?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason