when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.