Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).