My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
こいつ天才
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Boom, boom, ching!
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.