The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes