3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My kid can鈥檛 eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I haven鈥檛 broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I鈥檝e had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what鈥檚 a 7 letter word for evident
him: it鈥檚 obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn鈥檛 be asking would I
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally