the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
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My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
i smell a pulitzer
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”