cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo