Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”