[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that