Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls