“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
😎 🍻
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window