Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.