Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone