Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Holy moly
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
eggs benadryl
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.