*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.