I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore