Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.