Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
You Might Also Like
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR