Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Seems legit
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.