Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move