My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar